Loving the Chaos

My beverages are taking to me again.

A while ago I had written an article about the wisdom on the side of a Starbucks coffee cup.

Today I tried a new brand of green tea called Yogi Tea. When I opened the pouch with the tea bag, it had a little message:

Bliss cannot be disturbed by gain or loss.

That’s another way of saying one of my favourite mantras:

Happiness does not depend on circumstances.

I come across so many people who think that their degree of happiness on any given day depends on what is going on around them. Not a chance.

Happiness is a state of being - a philosophical way to be in the world.

It comes from a deep connection to what matters most to you.

It comes from an ongoing spirit of gratitude no matter what natural chaos is coming your way.

It comes from blissful living - being passionate, curious, engaged every day.

When you begin to learn the strategies for shifting into a perspective of joy and happiness, life is a wonderful adventure.

You find wisdom all around you - even in your tea cup.

Where do you find your happiness?

Is it just me or have we all been time warped back to junior high school?

I love journalist Misty Harris because she often writes about the more curious aspects of our culture. Her latest article is about a new online community open only to “beautiful people.”  Apparently they have a “strict ban on ugliness.”

On the website there is a disclaimer that you need a good photo because your appearance will determine whether existing members will vote you in. I wonder who voted in the first group of people?  

Back to junior high 

Doesn’t this sound a whole lot like junior high school when people were sorted by a random few into the “in crowd.” You either made the cut or you didn’t - usually based on some highly subjective and most definitely superficial basis. For most of us we outgrew this by the time we left high school. We realized that there is a whole lot more to people than hairstyles, labels, flat abs and high cheekbones.

This beautiful people website describes itself as being for “people who stand out from the majority because of their attractive appearance and personal qualities.” Since the initial sorting of who is in and who is out is based entirely on what quite likely is an airbrushed digitally enhanced photo, I’m guessing we know at least a bit about the personal qualities of the people who subscribe. I’m curious about who actually wants to be part of this group.

Beauty in the eye of the beholder 

The thing about beauty is it’s rather subjective. Who I think is hot - or not - might completely clash with someone else’s version of who is attractive.  Not wanting to anger millions of Tom Cruise fans but for me he’s too much of a pretty boy. Same for Matthew McConaughey. I more of a Johnny Depp girl myself.  Donald Trump once declared that he didn’t find Angelina Jolie attractive. Millions would disagree.

I’ve known some absolutely gorgeous guys that were quite frankly toads and some guys that most likely wouldn’t have made the cut on this website who were absolute princes. In the end what makes someone truly attractive at a deep level goes far past physical appearance.

If you start a club, you get to set the rules about who is let into the clubhouse. I think what bugs me about this website is that it pokes at our deepest fears of inadequacy:

“Am I enough?” 

Apparently nine out of ten of us are not beautiful enough for this group.

Maybe I’ll start my own club. Maybe I’ll call it “Enough already!” Leave a comment if you want the secret handshake.

Finding an excuse to not do something can be more fun than you think. Liz Krieger just shared an amusing list of excuses why you can skip your next workout. She found them in a new book by Jen Lancaster called Such a Pretty Fat: One Narcissist’s Quest to Discover If Her Life Makes Her Ass Look Big, OR Why Pie is Not the Answer.

Excuses on standby

I bet you have a list of standby excuses that you pull out whenever you’re looking to avoid….well whatever you’re looking to avoid. Some basic ones that have to do with your kids’ schedules or your workload or household chores. Default excuses that reflect your willingness to put others ahead of your own self care.

We all probably give some consideration to how valid or important they sound before offering them up to other people as a justification for why we aren’t following through on something we’ve declared is important.

It seems to me though that the only person who has to believe the excuse du jour is you. Most people aren’t paying any attention to the reasons why you aren’t doing whatever it is that you think you should be doing. They’re too busy compiling their own list.

We make excuses all the time - for not working out and 101 other things that are self-nurturing. It’s our way of letting ourselves off the hook. Excuses are a great way to run away from the things that probably serve us best. I guess its a form of exercise but not one that does our hearts any good.

There’s a big difference between an excuse and a reason.

Here’s the test:

If it’s really a reason, you won’t have to give it a second thought. If you’re weighing your options, chances are you’re making an excuse. I kind of like Jen Lancaster’s list. It lets excuse making become more of a creative outlet. If you’re going to fool yourself, you might as well have some fun while you’re doing it. 

My best excuse busting tip?

Find someone who will hold you accountable….a good friend, a life coach, a relative…someone who will smile at your amusing excuse but not let you get away with it. Someone who will lovingly say, “nice try” and then kick your butt.

I once had a pact with a running partner to meet at 5:30 a.m. (yes I know what was I thinking?). We granted each other one and only one “no questions asked” excuse for missing a run during a six month period.  Any time I contemplated using my freebie excuse, I carefully weighed whether this was the time that I really wanted to use it. Maybe there would come a time when I would want to use it more. So in the course of six months, I never used it once. You can hold yourself accountable. You just need a little structure.

What’s your best excuse busting tip?

Ask Laurel…

I know what I should be doing but I just can’t seem to get my act together. How can I get unstuck?

For many people knowing what to do or even how to do it is not what keeps them from achieving their goals. It’s getting started doing something different. People like to collect up all kinds of books and information on a topic - like healthy eating or fitness or finding balance. But somehow they never seem to translate that great information into action.

Do something

If you want to get unstuck, just start by doing something - anything at all. Inertia - a lack of movement - is a big obstacle to creating change. Often we think that we need to have all our ducks in a row before we begin.  Or sometimes the magnitude of a change we’re considering seems overwhelming and so we put it off. Taking the first step, no matter how small, is the way to get some forward momentum. Once you’re moving in the right direction, then you can begin to add in other behaviours and choices.

Start small

Choose something that is easy to do so the commitment doesn’t feel so big. You could take the stairs, or substitute a low fat option or take five minutes of me-time. Commit just for today and then re-commit tomorrow.

Never underestimate the power of one small step. That’s how all great changes started.

What life coaching question would you like to ask Laurel?

Sometimes natural chaos comes with a voicemail message. The utility company called to say that the power in our neighbourhood would be off for several hours today while they replaced an electrical pole. So for me who runs a home based business I had to reschedule some things and then headed out to run a few errands.

I was in one of my favorite stores in downtown St. Albert, Crimson Quill, setting up a couple of workshops I’ll be doing for them in the fall and I explained why I unexpectedly had some free time on my hands.

“I have no power.”

Hearing those words come out of my mouth was a LOL moment. What made me giggle was not that I didn’t any electrical current. It was the statement of the profoundly obvious. 

Most of the time we really have no power over all kinds of situations:

repair work

weather

other people’s behaviour & choices

traffic

contaminated tomatoes

and 101 other things.

Now don’t get me wrong.

I know I have all the power when it comes to certain things like my attitude or my choices - truly the most important things. It was just such a delightful reminder that there are so many things that are outside of my control. Not getting crazy about it and just letting them go is a way to keep things in balance.

Who’d have imagined?

A light bulb moment from the power company.

What’s your latest light bulb moment?

If I had a nickel for every person who set out to achieve a goal and abandoned it along the way I’d be a very wealth woman. Getting started or sticking with a plan for change is often a challenge. The Ultimate Guide to Motivation is jam packed with great ideas about how to achieve your goal.

Setting yourself up for failure

Typically people jump into an action plan without having spent enough time thinking about “why am I doing this?” Because “I should” or someone else thinks “you should” are rarely good enough reasons to propel you toward your goal. Or doing it for some vague reason like “better health” or “my family” often won’t sustain you through the inevitable tough patches you will encounter. And superficial reasons like “looking super hot at my high school reunion” might get you so far but they likely won’t help you maintain your goal once the reunion has come and gone.

Find a meaningful motive

One key to success is to find a meaningful motive - one that resonates with you at a heart level.  You have to have a reason for doing something and when it comes to change, especially big change, you want that reason to be closely linked to the things that are most important to you. Doing that will help you get through any roadblocks with greater ease.

Listening to your heart

Sometimes it takes a little work to plug into your meaningful motive. You have to look past the first couple of superficial layers to get to what really matters.  What does your heart want? Do you want to get in shape to be able to participate fully in your children’s lives?  Do you want to get your life back in balance to have more and richer time with your partner?  Do you want to de-clutter your house so you have a sacred space to honor yourself?

Taking time for personal reflection helps to connect to your meaningful motive. You’ll know you are getting close when you get a little lump in your throat or are a bit teary eyed. That’s a good sign that you’ve plugged into your heart. Motivation from this place is powerful.

Re-connect daily

Create a vivid picture in your mind or design a vision board so you can see clearly why this change is meaningful - why you are willing to stick with it until you’re successful.

Then as you implement your action plan, revisit that motive daily. In the midst of things, it’s easy to lose sight of why you are doing something. Plugging back in each day helps you keep both your goal and your motive top of mind.

You can have your heart’s desire. Just let your heart help guide the way.

What’s your meaningful motive for change?

Apparently the latest trend in devaluing each other is called bodysnarking - using social networking and blogs to criticize people’s appearances. An article in today’s Edmonton Journal by Misty Harris describes this newest on-line trend.

Well there’s nothing new about this except the venue.

Women have been making critical judgments about other women for ages. If we’re really honest, we’ll actually admit it. We do it out loud or with looks or in whispers. And overtly or covertly we vote that they don’t quite measure up to some standard we have.

A long way to go 

We’re living in a time when a woman was actually a viable candidate for president of the United States.  We might have come a long way baby in some areas but when it comes to how we treat other women and ourselves we’ve still got a long way to go.

I recently surveyed my wonderful stone circle community and guess what? More than half of them said they wanted to discover their real self and learn how to love themselves more. Oh yeah - and lose weight. In a chaotic world with competing priorities and little me-time, women feel disconnected from their authentic selves and are dissatisfied with their bodies regardless of what they look like.

As a culture we are addicted to TV programming like American Idol and Dancing with the Stars and America’s Got Talent - programs that invite us to sit in judgment of other people - particularly in those early audition rounds.

Somewhere along the line it became ok to criticize in unflattering ways how good people are or what they are wearing or whether their abs are flat enough or if their breasts are perky. And even if you are one of the small minority who doesn’t on some level participate in that sniping at others, I’ll bet you routinely snipe at yourself - out loud or in the mirror as your own internal critic.

One woman in the article even goes so far as posting negative comments about herself on Facebook as a way to beat others to the punch. She says she bodysnarks herself so other people will see she doesn’t take it that seriously.

Here’s a thought.

If we all really didn’t take nasty criticism that seriously it wouldn’t get any of our time and energy.

Perhaps what we need to take seriously is remembering that our physical selves are just the package - pretty or otherwise - that our spiritual self resides in. Bodysnarking is just another way to be disrespectful - of yourself and others.

Here’s a challenge.

For the next week notice all the people that you make judgments about - including yourself. Really pay attention.

Wouldn’t it be delightful if we fell in love with ourselves warts and all?

Wouldn’t the world be a lovelier place if you saw other people from the inside out rather than just the outside?

If there was ever a time for a women’s movement, it’s now. And it has nothing to do with equal pay or glass ceilings.

Want to join?

Become a shameless idealist.

That was the call to action I received this year from Craig Kielburger. Craig and his brother Marc founded Free the Children, an organization dedicated to helping young people become socially conscious global citizens.

While Craig’s passion is directed at children helping children, his impact is not reserved for today’s youth.  Inspiration is about putting an idea in people’s heads and having them act on it. There have been lots of times in the last few months when I have stopped and asked myself, “What would a shameless idealist do in this situation?” It’s been a great catalyst for moving past inevitable roadblocks and obstacles.

You never know how one thing will lead to another.

I became aware of Craig and Marc’s work when I stumbled upon their book Me to We one day while killing time in an airport in 2004. You never know how one thing will lead to another. I read the book and that led to an exchange of letters and a tour of the Free the Children headquarters in Toronto.

Impressed by the work that Free the Children was doing, I shared their story and website with my oldest daughter who was in her last year of high school at the time. Before I knew it she had begun the application process to participate in a Leaders Today volunteer project. Leaders Today is the youth leadership organization that extends the mission of Free the Children to empowering young people to create positive sustainable changes in the world.

In 2006 my daughter traveled with Leaders Today to Kenya to help build a school in a small village. It was a trip that had a powerful impact on her. Now a university student studying anthropology, she is currently in Tanzania for three months participating in a community health project that addresses malaria and HIV/AIDS.

Helping me set you on fire

Craig Kielburger is certainly a poster boy for making the seemingly impossible happen. He definitely doesn’t settle for mediocre. So it was a simple choice to ask him to write the foreword to my new book Spontaneous Combustion: Setting Your Life on Fire. He recounts how he set his life on fire and in his usual charming way he invites my readers to do the same.

Go ahead.

Spontaneously combust your life.

You never know where it might lead you.

What are YOU waiting for?

Tales from my Italian adventure

Paolo Fanciulli is not a guy who lets a few obstacles get in his way. A fisherman who lives in Talamone next to the Parco Naturale della Maremma in Tuscany, Paolo is a shining example of the impact one person can have. We got to spend the day with him learning about his passion for the sea.

Thinking outside the net

For the past twenty years Paolo had been attempting to bring government and public awareness to the devastating damage that trawl fishing nets do to the sea bed. Although illegal, fishing using these nets has gone on unhindered for years causing the destruction of the naturally growing sea grass which provides a habit for fish, oxygenates the water and prevents coastal erosion. Years of trawl nets has left the fish population depleted and the sea floor devastated.

After repeatedly running into opposition, roadblocks and indifference, Paolo got the idea to create “pescaturismo” - which gives travellers an eco-conscious opportunity to experience the natural environment while gaining an appreciation for environmental needs of the area. Paolo figured if people could have a first hand experience they would rally behind the cause of sustainable fishing.

Building blocks of success

Deciding that the government’s minor fines for trawl fishing would never dissuade large companies from continuing to destroy the sea floor, Paolo came up with another plan: to put what he calls case per i pesci or “fish houses” along the sea floor to prevent the use of trawl nets. These large hollow concrete blocks imbedded with hooks essentially tear through the nets while providing the fish with a safe haven for breeding.

Last year through Paolo’s awareness campaign and fundraising efforts, 250 of these fish house were placed along the coastline of the Parco Naturale Maremma. One year later he says they are already seeing the positive impact. Trawlers no longer fish this section of the coastline and the sea floor and marine population is improving. What I especially loved about Paolo was, when asked whether we could make a donation to the cause he declined. “The fish houses are now in place,” he said. “What I need you to do now is tell people about the problem and what’s possible.”

There’s always a way

If you find yourself facing one obstacle after another in reaching your dream, Paolo’s advice would be to find a blend of optimism, activism and pragmatism. You may have to consider plan B or even C to get the job done. What Paolo has demonstrated is when you have a vision and are committed to making to a reality, where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Tales from my Italian adventure

It’s amazing the judgments we catch ourselves making. Who would have thought that a butcher in a small Tuscan town was actually a renaissance man?

After a long hike through the Tuscan countryside our group ended up at Antica Macelleria Cecchini in the village of Panzano for a pre-arranged dinner with Dario Cecchini. He’s a fifth generation butcher whose family has owned their shop for more than 250 years.

Dario shared with us his philosophy of treating all things with equal respect. He explained that we tend to assign higher value to certain cuts of meat which means that other ones are then considered less worthy. Dario challenged us to consider the inherent value in everything, to treat all the parts of the animal with the same degree of respect. To entertain the idea that simply because something might take more of our time and energy does not diminish its worth.

So we feasted on a meal made from the cow’s knees and shin - a meal that required several hours of preparation to create the tender dishes we enjoyed. Good conversation, fine wine, and to top it all off, at the end of the evening Dario jumped on the table and recited by heart a canto of Dante’s Inferno. Splendid in its original Italian, the impromptu performance moved everyone with its passion.

Food for thought

How many times do we go through our day voting that “this” is better than “that” or giving less time and attention to things that we have decided are less valuable? 

How quickly do we dismiss this based on some pre-conceived idea?

How often do we limit ourselves because we have created a hierarchy for people and experiences?

How frequently in our super speed world do we choose quick and easy out of habit without weighing the option of slower?

Delicacies in the tuscan countryside 

Dario left me some tasty food for thought. His challenge to treat everything with equal respect has remained with me like a satisfying meal. I find myself stopping to consider what hierarchy I’m unconsciously creating or which way I’m voting at any given time. You never know what delicacies you’ll find in the Tuscan countryside.

What judgments are you unconsciously making?