Loving the Chaos

We are a very list oriented culture. We make grocery lists and Christmas lists and household chore lists. I would bet that you have at least one to-do list on the go right now. But there’s one list that people have a tendency to put off that can actually have a dramatic impact on the level of happiness and satisfaction they experience in life.

Before you kick the bucket

A life list, or bucket list, is one that you don’t want to put off any longer. Simply speaking, a bucket list captures all of the things you want to do before you “kick the bucket”. It’s your “no regrets” list. John Goddard is generally credited with first introducing the idea of creating a list of life goals. Then in 2007 the Bucket List movie starring Jack Nicolson and Morgan Freeman brought the idea into popular culture. You might have seen the movie. Did you actually create your own bucket list?

Life is way too short

Life has a way of passing quickly no matter how long you live. Creating a bucket list is one way to be more conscious and proactive about achieving your goals – both big and small. When people live amazingly full and wonderful lives it’s not typically a result of luck. Sure there may be some synchronicity involved, but it’s more likely that people who have had lots of fabulous experiences played an active role in making them happen.

Making a bucket list allows your imagination to run wild with possibilities. If time, energy and money were not obstacles, what experiences would you like to have?

A bucket list is not only a list of wildest dreams. It’s also a list of smaller goals and experiences that you don’t want to miss – everything from learning to hand roll sushi to reading War and Peace.

Making your list

The key to making a bucket list is not to worry about how to make any one thing on it happen. It’s more important to make the list, and then each year consciously work toward achieving at least one thing while being tuned in to other opportunities that might unexpectedly present themselves. It’s not uncommon that once a person makes a life list and starts focusing on it, other opportunities pop up out of the blue. If you have already identified what experiences you are looking for, you are more apt to recognize them when they show up.

Instead of simply adding “make a bucket list” to your endless to-do list, start now by planning what you would like to make happen in your life.

Watch for upcoming tips on creating your bucket list.

Leave a comment:

What’s on your bucket list?

The holiday season is often a time when budgets get stretched to the max. People run around hunting for this year’s in thing or scratch their heads about what to give Uncle Bob. In the end, most people have difficulty remembering what they gave last year and what they received. In many instances gift giving has become another “to do” list rather than an opportunity to connect and create memories. It doesn’t have to be that way if you shift your thinking away from things and toward more meaningful gifts.

Your first reaction when you look at a list of non-material gifts might be that they are “nice” but somehow not quite sufficient. If that’s your response, give yourself a little gift of reflection. Think about what makes a gift heartfelt, special and memorable. Sometimes it is a tangible thing, but often there’s a much more valuable gift that you can share.

As you make your holiday plans, consider these priceless gifts:

The gift of no.

Saying yes when you’d rather say no is a common experience. Give someone a card that simply says, “No thanks” that can be traded at any time during the year for something to which they would rather say no. They get to choose and you graciously accept their no even if you’d rather they say yes. Trust me – this is a powerful gift.

The gift of time.

Everyone says they don’t have enough of it, so time is the ultimate priceless gift. How could you share your time with someone? How could you free up someone else’s time? If you were given a free hour or day, wouldn’t that be wonderful? Make a commitment to honoring this gift so it doesn’t become an unfulfilled promise.

The gift of fun and laughter.

Commit to doing something fun with someone. It’s easy to become so serious in life that we miss the opportunities for fun and laughter. When was the last time you laughed until you cried? Or had so much fun you didn’t stop smiling for days? Create a game night or go to karaoke or plan a mini movie festival.

The gift of an unfulfilled promise.

Is there someone you have been promising that you’ll get together for coffee? Perhaps an outing with one of your children? Some uncompleted household job your partner would really appreciate?  You know how it goes. There’s likely a long list of things you mean to do but time and busy schedules get in the way. After a while everyone starts to believe that it will never really happen. Give a firm commitment to someone to get together, or to start or finish a task. Then do it.

The gift of a keepsake.

Often we have some item that we intend to pass along to someone once we have died. Or sometimes we know that someone loves an object we have far more than we do. Consider giving a keepsake gift now rather than waiting. Pass along a piece of jewelry or a book or even great grandma’s rocking chair. Why postpone the enjoyment?

Take a minute to leave a comment and share your priceless gift suggestions.

Do you feel like you are held hostage by the holiday season?  Are you balanced precariously on the edge of sanity like the Grinch on the top of Mount Crumpit? 

Well you are not alone. 

Most people go over the top during the holidays – they over-commit, over-consume and overwhelm themselves with expectations.  Instead of feelings of peace and goodwill, people often find themselves tired, cranky and powered by guilt.  Their faces start to scrunch up into that Grinch-like scowl and fun is the last thing on their minds.  Taking care of the never-ending to-do list becomes the number one priority.  Then before they know it, the holidays have come and gone and January leaves them asking, “Is that all there is?”                               

Does that sound like you?

There is a way to de-Grinch yourself and steal back Christmas.  You can take back control by trying some new and unusual ways to hijack the holidays. 

Let go of your traditional time and energy drainer

I’ll bet that there is some holiday tradition that you have been holding on to just because it is a tradition.  No one really likes it anymore, everyone groans or mutters under their breath at the thought but you suck it up and do it anyway.  Let it go. 

Now some of you are gasping at the thought – how could you possibly do that?  I’m all for traditions – but only when they are rooted in meaning and everyone enjoys them.  If a tradition doesn’t have much meaning anymore and everyone grumbles, let it go this year.  One of two things will happen – everyone will miss it so much that next year they will revive the tradition with a renewed sense of enthusiasm – or everyone will breathe a sigh of relief and space opens up for creating some new tradition.

Give everyone on your list a very expensive gift

Well not any expensive gift.  Give them permission to say no.  Make a nice little card that can be traded at any time for a respectful, “No thanks.”  It’s a relatively simple gift to give but it gets a little costly when the person cashes in their card.  Quite likely they might say no to something you really want them to say yes to.  That’s where the true value of this gift comes – your gracious acceptance of a boundary being set.  No arguments, no negotiating, no whining.  Just a simple, “Thanks for using your gift.  I hope you enjoy it.”

Divide your time and money in half

Figure out your budget for Christmas – both how much money you spend and how much time you spend running around.  Now divide them both in half.  Spend half of your money and time on the usual things.  There never seems to be enough time and money at this point in the year so spend half of it and don’t worry about it.

Take the other half of your time and money and give it to charity.  Write a cheque to a cause you love.  Then find out how giving half of your holiday time to someone who needs it is infinitely more rewarding.  Charities have lots of tasks that need to be done – some that can be taken care of from your home – so there’s sure to be something that’s a good fit for you.

Recycle the one thing that no one will notice

I know many women who spend a lot of time – and money – in search of the perfect holiday dress.  Wear the one you wore last year.  Men do it all the time – they don’t run around looking for the next great black suit.  Chances are last year’s holiday outfit was some version of the little black dress anyway.  Unless you wore something revealing all of your earthly charms, I guarantee no one will remember what you had on.  Save yourself the time, money and aggravation.

Give yourself the gift of a life time

We all love getting presents so go ahead and give yourself one that will last a lifetime.  Chances are there is someone in your life – past or present – that you need to forgive.  Carrying around the burden of hurt and disappointment takes a huge toll.  Give yourself permission to forgive.  You don’t necessarily have to say anything.  This is a gift that lives in your heart.  And it’s one with a double whammy.  Whether you say anything out loud or not, you get the benefit and so does the other person.  There’s nothing more priceless than letting go.

You know the Grinch figured out that the holidays are about intangible things.  Sure, ribbons and papers and bows are nice, but after a while stuff is just stuff.   Stealing back Christmas is about choosing to do something different.  All the Who’s in your ville might be delighted.

In honor of American Thanksgiving President Obama has pardoned a 20 kg turkey named Courage.  This light-hearted ritual got me thinking about forgiveness in our own lives.

I’ll bet there’s some turkey in your life that you need to pardon.

Someone you’ve disagreed with

Someone who said or did something that hurt you

Someone who disappointed you

The problem with carrying around unresolved grudges is that it weighs you down – just like one too many servings at the holiday table.

Forgiveness is an act for yourself – not for the other person.

So go ahead and pardon this person in your heart. You’ll feel lighter and create more space for positive thoughts, ideas and actions.

In the Buddhist tradition, here’s a little loving kindness mediation that might help:

If anyone has hurt me or harmed me knowingly or unknowingly in thought, word or dead, I freely forgive them.

And I ask too for forgiveness if I have hurt anyone or harmed anyone knowingly or unknowingly in thought, word or deed.

Feel free to share your comments.

Yesterday I challenged the idea that the recession will result in better work-life balance.

If that is really going to happen, then people will need to start doing some things differently – not because the economic situation has prodded or forced them to, but because they really want to create a more balanced life.

As a life coach, sometimes my job is to point you toward the tough questions. So here are some no nonsense life balance tips. They are not necessarily the warmest and fuzziest suggestions but they are the ones that will set you on a path toward greater balance regardless of whether we’re in a recession or not.

1. Have a candid conversation with yourself.

Take some time to sit quietly and reflect on how in or out of balance your life is. Ask yourself these questions:

Do I have the time and energy to do the activities I love?

Do I go to bed feeling that I have accomplished the most important tasks that day?

Do I set boundaries based on my priorities?

Is life a joyful, fun adventure?

Be honest. If you answered no to these questions, then it’s time to begin to make some more conscious choices.

2. Write down your most important priorities.

If something catastrophic happened and your life was pared down to the basics, what would you want to preserve? I bet those things revolve around your health, your relationships with your family and significant others, your spiritual connection, and what else?

Make a list of these things – they reflect what is most important to you. Let’s call them your key priorities. Are they what get your attention before other things in your day?

3. Take something off your plate.

Remove one commitment from your schedule. We all have obligations that we have agreed to that in hind sight we know we should have declined. When you fill your plate with things that do not reflect your priorities (see #2), you take away valuable time and energy from honoring those priorities.

Go ahead and say no now. Do it with grace and respect. Make a statement that you are removing this commitment in order to honor your commitment to one of your key priorities.

4. Substitute the excuse you are using.

How many times have you told yourself, I would _______, but I’m too tired or I don’t have enough time? Actually you do have time and energy. You are simply using it for something else.

Instead of using your standby excuse of no time or energy, try substituting this:

I would _________, but it’s not a priority for me. It might sound something like this:

I would exercise but it’s not a priority for me. If that feels a little uncomfortable, then you know you are in an area that needs more attention from you.

5. Give yourself a pep talk.

It’s easy to get down on ourselves that we have let things get out of control in our lives. So cut yourself some slack and then choose to do something different. Switch your inner chatter from I can’t/won’t/shouldn’t to more empowering dialogue like:

“I‘m consciously making choices to create more balance in my life.”

“It’s okay to say no when I am honoring my key priorities.”

“That was then, this is now.”

There are lots of strategies and tips on how to create more life balance. Sometimes you need to begin at the beginning with the no nonsense basics. You can do this. Trust me – you will be so glad you did.

Post a comment with your no nonsense life balance tips.

Here’s an interesting headline:

Recession offers potential for more work-life balance.

That’s according to a researcher at the University of Iowa based on what happened during the Depression.

His theory is that as people’s hours are cut at work during the current economic down turn, they will have more time for leisure activities.

Well sure. That makes sense. But actually creating more work-life balance?

I’m not so sure.

It’s one thing to say that when people have more time they will use it for non-work related stuff. If you have six more hours available to you because your shifts have been cut, then of course you will likely spend them with your family or on your own fitness or volunteering in your community.

It’s a completely different thing to say that people will consciously choose more work-life balance.

Life balance comes from making conscious choices about how you spend your time.

It’s about knowing your priorities and then aligning your actions with them. It relies on the same principles whether the economy is turned up, down or inside out.

I’m sure if you could add an extra 2 hours to the day – stretch it to 26 hours – you’d think that there was more potential for work-life balance. But what would likely happen is you would go back to your unbalanced ways once you got used to the extra 2 hours. Unless of course you starting making decisions about how you spend your time based on your priorities.

That’s exactly what will happen as a result of the recession too.

People are considering all kinds of life changes – simplifying things, getting back to basics, enjoying  their leisure time. But they will return to old habits once the economy picks up unless there they make a concerted effort to do something different. During this recession people are reacting to the circumstances, rather than being proactive about creating the kind of life they want.

It doesn’t have to be that way.

You can take this opportunity and begin to create more life balance. You can be proactive. You can begin to do the things that will help you sustain this balance once the economy starts rockin’ and rollin’ again.

Tune in tomorrow for some tips to get you started.

Are you too busy to stop and hear the music?

That’s the question the Washington Post was trying to answer when it tried a little experiment. They set up world class musician Joshua Bell in a subway station at rush hour and then sat back to watch whether any one would take notice.

Take a few minutes to read the whole story and watch some of the video.

Do you take time to notice the beauty that crosses your path each day?

Are you so focused on your to-do list that you fail to see life’s unexpected treasures?

What are you missing?

I’m always delighted when the universe sends us little reminders of what matters if we are only willing to stop and take notice.

Last week Barbara Walters interviewed actor Patrick Swayze about the current state of his health. Swayze was diagnosed  last year with pancreatic cancer and many people immediately began shaking their heads and whispering that it was all over for him.

Swayze shared his philosophy on his situation. He said, “We’re all dying.”

That’s exactly the point isn’t it?

It’s so easy to hang out in denial thinking that we have all the time in the world or to assume that someone with a serious illness has less time than we do. Then he declared that each of us only has 2 choices:

get busy living or get busy dying

Last weekend I held a workshop on creating a vision board. One of the participants was an 80 year old woman who had come to create a vision for the next phase of her life. You’ve got to love that spirit!

She shared that it’s easy to look back in your life and think about the things that didn’t go the way you wanted them to or reflect on missed opportunities. She decided that she would rather look forward to what could come next, to reconnect with her senses and to express more gratitude.

I’d say she’s busy living.

What are you busy doing?

Apparently the spiritual crisis continues.

Yesterday a Walmart employee was trampled to death as shoppers broke down the door and stampeded to get holiday bargains. 

What does it mean when people are willing to kill and injure others in order to be the first to grab discounts on stuff?

Okay let’s acknowledge that economic times are tough and people are stressed. Yes AND there’s something bigger at work here.

It seems to me that people are impatient for all the wrong things…

the pizza delivery guy

traffic lights to change

elevators to arrive

the line to go faster

We get agitated when we have to wait for stuff that we want RIGHT NOW but we’re not impatient for things that are far more important.

We don’t tap our foot or look at our watch for….

fulfillment or health

dreams or relationships

love or adventure

peace or abundance.

For things like that we seem to have all the time in the world.

Most people will see that tragic news story and think “That wouldn’t be me.” Let’s hope not. It serves a a good reminder for us all to examine where we are impatient in our own lives.

Where do you cross the line and become irritated about something that’s not all that important?

As the inevitable chaos of the holiday season descends, when you might be feeling overwhelmed or overstretched or overcommitted, stop and ask yourself:

How important is this in the big picture of life?

Best guess is that most of the time you’ll answer, “Not so much.” Then give your head a little shake, take a deep breath and get back to what the holiday season is really about.

Post a comment and share…

What’s most important to you this holiday season?

One of the highlights of my recent trip to Montreal to attend the International Coach Federation conference was the opportunity to hear in person Matthieu Ricard speak on the subject of happiness. He’s a French scientist who became a Buddhist monk who now does research on the nature of happiness. Here’s one of the things he discovered:

You can learn to be more happy.

Matthieu asks if we spend so much of our time developing a wide variety of skills in life, why do we spend so little on developing our minds. His fascinating research on experienced meditators reveals that happiness is indeed a skill that can be cultivated.

He suggests that happiness is a result of our inner circumstances not a reflection of our outer circumstances. Sounds a lot like the wisdom my grandmother shared with me:

Happiness is not dependent on your circumstances but rather what you do with them.

I had the great fortune to chat with Matthieu briefly following his talk and shared my grandmother’s philosophy with him. In his characteristically charming way, he laughed and agreed that we all have wisdom not just Buddhist monks.

Treat yourself to a new perspective on happiness by watching this 20 minute video.

Post a comment and share your philosophy on happiness.